Putting Things in Perspective

First, a confession: I blew it yesterday. I did not get as much exercise as I needed to hit my goal, and I went over my calories by a good clip. Last night was the dreaded family night, and I'm ashamed to say that dinner, when I entered it into the tracker this morning, was just over 1200 calories. Yep...I had enough calories in one meal to get a person through an entire day. I koew going in that Thursdays are going to be bad, so I usually "budget" my daily calories for them, but I was hungry all day yesterday! I ate healthy, satisfying food at breakfast, lunch, and two snack times. Which meant that, where I normally have a "calorie bomb" for dinner on Thurs. and stay in my ranges, I was nowhere close yesterday.

In the past, that would have completely and totally derailed me. In fact, had it happened just a week or two ago, It would have sent me back to my old ways for at least three or four days (and quite possibly longer).

But, again, things are DIFFERENT this time. So, when I started bemoaning the fact that I was behind on my exercise, and had blown my diet, and was never going to be skinny now, and woe was me, the first thought that crossed my mind was "you are not behind."

I wanted desperately for that to be true, so I took a minute to really *think* about the situation, and to evaluate where I was at. I knew I was starting to slip off track, and I desperately wanted to hang on, so I went back to my trackers and looked at the week as a whole.

That one, simple action really put things in perspective for me. First, I subtracted the minutes/calories burned of exercise I'd done this week from my weekly totals. Then I divided the numbers by 2, since it's Friday, to get a picture of how much work I needed to do today and tomorrow. To my pleasant surprise, I only have to add 10 minutes and 150 calories burned to each day in order to make up for what I missed. I've been in the habit of taking the weekend off from my workouts, but with work back in session, Saturday workouts make sense, anyway.

That gave me a much needed boost, but I was still lamenting yesterday's dinner. To fix it, I started by looking at what exactly I had eaten vs. what was available, and the ways in which I'd made good (if not perfect) choices. I had a homemade burger, baked beans, chocolate lava cake, and ice cream. There were also chips and potato salad available, but I passed that up. I could have eaten the burger without cheese, or forgone dessert, but I *love* cheese, chocolate, and ice cream, and I cannot imagine leading any "lifestyle" that doesn't include them in moderation. I ate ONE burger, a single serving of beans, and half the amount of dessert I would have taken just three weeks ago. So, all in all, I made good choices.

To prove to myself that I didn't blow everything to pieces from one day of high calorie foods, I multiplied the top of my calorie range by 7 and then subtracted my end totals for sun-thurs. The amount of calories left for the remaining two days was ABOVE those ranges, which means that, just like with the exercise, I'm not behind at all.

Back to School

Friday was the first day of school in our area, so I was up bright and early. I've been hanging out with and helping mom as her students settle into the new routine. Mommy's Time Out will start back next week, but for now I'm at RCA the entire day.

At first, that was a really GOOD thing for my exercise...mom and I walk laps in the gym and run a few bleachers while her class is having PE, and it's been really fun to spend that time together. But between a PE time fire drill Tuesday and pictures in the gym on Wednesday, my workouts have stalled and I'm not burning the calories I need to. I was hoping that being back at work would at least add in more steps, but when I "borrowed" my husband's pokewalker (don't judge!) to count my steps, I found that I was getting less than half the 10k we all supposedly need. I know that number will pick up once I start back at MTO, but it's still pretty discouraging.

Add to that the amount of processed junk I've been eating out of convenience, and I've felt really BLAH all week. I've mostly stayed within my ranges, but I can really, REALLY tell a difference in my mood and the way I feel about my body now vs. when I was eating healthier, unprocessed foods.

The scale is moving blessedly forward; Wed. was the last weigh-in for the 30-in-30 challenge, and I was down 4.6 lb from last Monday. That said, my measurements haven't changed, and I'm feeling this lack of structured exercise! I like walking with mom, but I NEED my belly dancing to keep trimming those inches away.

So, the plan was to hit the grocery store tonight for some good-for-me treats, and to add the belly dance back in. I'm brainstorming ways to get those 10k steps, too...maybe a few laps around the school in the morning, before the rest of the teachers get here? hm...things to think about!

Making Changes

Yesterday was yet another weigh-in, and boy was I pleasantly surprised! Last week didn't go so well...I pretty much got zero exercise, and I didn't log anything in my Sparkpeople nutrition tracker. There were times, throughout the week, when I over-indulged. I was too busy trying to keep my head above water to concern myself with what went into my body or how much I moved it...so I was dreading Monday morning with a passion.

Imagine my surprise when I stepped on the scales for the first time in a week to discover a gain of not 10 pounds, like I was expecting, but .2. As in 2/10ths of a pound.

True, it was a gain...but it was also a revelation. While I "let myself go" this week, the habits I'd been struggling to build the previous two held firm. My body had adjusted itself to my new ways of eating and moving, so, when left to my own devices, I didn't completely default back to my old ways. This "lifestyle change" I've embarked on is just that...a change.

With a new month and a new week greeting me at the dawning of that happy thought, I had all the motivation I needed to jump back in and do this thing.

As part of this new month, I'm relying more on my Sparkteams to keep me motivated. When 30 minutes of Belly Dancing didn't burn enough calories to meet my daily quota, I turned to the Wii Fit Challenge group for this week's list of games to play. When I needed direction for my day, I used the Spark Power group's August POWER challenge to plot out what I'd do and when. This month's POWER challenge is Pushups, Outdoors, Water, Exercise, and Reading/Reflecting on a health article. That little list was easily broken down into baby steps that gave me a big sense of accomplishment as I checked each one off.

The 30 in 30 challenge will be winding to a close soon, so I joined the 20-somethings with 50-99 Pounds to Lose "Back to School Challenge" for more motivation. We've been divided into teams (Go Crayons!!!!!!) and will compete both in overall weight-loss and weekly team challenges. The social aspect of all of these challenges (both on Sparkpeople and off) is a really important component that I've been missing out on in my previous attempts. When I'm having a rotten day, my Sparkteams are there to remind me that I CAN do this...and with them, I certainly can!

In the midst of all this wonderful success, I almost missed a really, really important change. It came quietly, with a brief moment of struggle and then a decision that I almost wrote off as insignificant. But in reality, it was a huge accomplishment that needs to be acknowledged and celebrated.

To get it, you have to understand that I have what I call "Clean Plate Syndrome." Even the thought of leaving food on my plate dumps heaps of guilt on my head...I just *can't* do it. CPS is, understandably, a big stumbling block with the whole weight loss thing, so I've been countering it by carefully portioning out what goes on my plate.

I'd had a tiny breakfast today, so I "indulged" in some pizza rolls and baby carrots for lunch. Pre-30-in-30 I would have dumped half a bag of rolls on a plate and called that a meal. Today, I counted out 12 rolls (400 calories) and 10 carrots. 2 1/2 minutes later, I was enjoying the gooey, cheesy goodness. I've been making a conscious effort to slow my eating down, so at first I really focused on enjoying every bite. 9 rolls and 7 carrots later, something really odd happened.

I went to pick up another pizza roll, and hesitated. It wasn't a conscious decision...I'd kind of checked out, and it took me a second to realize I was sitting there with a pizza roll half-way to my mouth, doing nothing. Two thoughts hit me at once: "I'm not really enjoying these as much as I did the first few," and "I'm not hungry anymore."

Those thoughts weren't new ones; I've had them before. But, unless I'm about to puke from stuffing myself, CPS kicks in and I start thinking of all the reasons it's horrible to waste food. I wasn't stuffed...I wasn't even "full" as I would normally describe it. I was simply not hungry anymore, and the cheesy goodness just wasn't as good as it started out. I struggled with it for a minute...I had the calories to spend and money's tight, so I really couldn't afford to waste food. But before I could take another bite, my Bertha-killing side took over and I found myself heading out the front door to make Thom-Cat really, really happy. Back inside, the carrots (because what cat eats carrots?) hit the garbage can and my plate was washed and in the drying rack before I think I even realized what I'd done. It wasn't until later, when I sat down to blog, that it really hit me; I'm changing. Bertha's grip on me really is loosening every day, and the "new" me is becoming easier and easier to spot behind those old, bad habits.

Getting MAD!

Dang it, this is hard!

Monday was our second weigh in. Remember that 7.5 pounds I'd told you about? The one that dropped to 5.5 pounds for last week's weigh in? It dropped right back off...then came back. Then dropped off again. So Monday morning arrived bright and early, and I was at a grand total of 7.5 pounds lost.

I know that's nothing to complain about...2 pounds a week is safe and healthy. And it's progress. What's even MORE progress is the 3.5 inches I lost, bringing me to a grand total of, what, 12~12.25 inches in two weeks? That's downright awesome!

That's what I keep telling myself, anyway. But, well, my "self" isn't doing a very good job of listening, to be honest. I didn't exercise yesterday because I spent the whole day away from home. That doesn't mean I didn't have the opportunity, mind you...it just means that Bertha reminded me of how self-conscious I am about exercising in front of other people, and used that as a reason to keep me on my butt for the better part of the day.

Really, though, that's nothing new. See, today, I was back to my old habits. I'm going to tell you a secret, too...those old habits? They involve sitting in bed all day, usually with a computer in my lap. Sometimes they also involve vast amounts of comfort food eaten in said bed, although not as often as you might think. Usually I completely forget to eat or drink anything until my DH gets home. Then I inhale a calorie bomb, realize I'm hungry, eat ANOTHER batch of junk at like, 10 pm, and spend half the remaining night lying awake, beating myself up over the utter waste of a perfectly good day.

I know that crosses the line of "too uncomfortably personal for the internet" but you know what? I DON'T CARE. I used to. Oh buddy did I ever use to...If I had to guess, the above statement would probably surprise all but a handful of the people who know me. I took a kind of twisted pride in my ability to hide how flippin' hard it is for me to just get out of bed in the morning. I poured every ounce of the energy I had into putting on a happy face at work and in Walmart. There were times when I'd spend the entire night in the darkest, most terrible places of my past, then head off to work with a bright smile and a "isn't it a beautiful morning?" to everyone I saw.

That was, of course, because I was really, really, really ashamed of it. Everyone else I know does it with no problem. I have a good life; I've been blessed in so many ways it's hard to keep count, and there are a lot of less fortunate people who suck it up and go on. So, the way I saw it, I should to. The fact that I really struggle with it, and that I don't always win, made me want to just sink back under the covers and hide from the world all that much more. It was a vicious, terrible cycle that was going no-where quick.

But that kind of reasoning is absolutely stupid, and I'm not going to accept it anymore. No one says, for instance, that a person with diabetes is "making excuses" because of the ways in which they have to alter their lifestyle in order to control and accommodate their illness. I've allowed the opinions of others and their comments about my "laziness" to shape my view of myself. I've long known that my distorted perspective of my own situation was wrong, but that "head knowledge" is only just now beginning to really sink in...and, to be honest, it's made me mad.

I'm mad that, for so long, I've permitted that kind of talk, from others and from myself. I'm mad that I've wasted so much time being embarrassed and scared of other people's opinions to take the steps I needed to take in order to fix things. I'm mad at...at IT. At all the things that have added together to create this massive knot of junk that I have to work through. It isn't fair, it isn't right, and I absolutely hate it.

If you've never taken a moment to acknowledge that for yourself, to take that think you keep bottled up and pushed back - that tender spot - and just say "It isn't fair, it wasn't right, and it hurt!" then let me cordially invite you to do just that. It isn't a pity party - pity is useless. It's being honest to yourself and to God, and it feels good. Seriously. Try it.

So anyway, I got mad today. Really, really mad. And then, something amazing happened. That anger burned away some of the embarrassment and the fear, and left sheer determination in its wake. It made me own up to something I think we all already knew; this extra weight is just the consequence of deeper symptoms. It's a physical indication of what's going on under the surface; a visible reminder that all is not well in Brittanyland. As the other junk goes, so will it...and I want it gone.

After fighting with myself all day, I'm exhausted. But I've also been thinking of all the "what now?" parts, and I've come to a few decisions. For one, I'm being as reckless and hasty in this as I am in everything else. I'm publishing the post unedited so that I'm not tempted to delete it, and I'm torching my escape route back into my normal routine in a very public way, so that going back is not an option any longer. I don't want anyone's pity...that's part of the reason I've only ever tested these waters with a few people before. I hate being pitied.

I'm getting back into my exercise routine first thing tomorrow. I'm going to do it come hell or high water, but I'm also going to acknowledge what a very big accomplishment that is. Things that often come easily to others are more difficult for me. That's not making excuses, it's taking a realistic view of my situation and celebrating my success. I can do this, but the only way I'm going to succeed is by taking baby steps and being kind to myself along the way.

So let's start: In the past two weeks, I've done more deliberate exercise than in the past year combined, I've managed, even on my worst days, to not undo my progress with bad eating, and I've gotten up and dressed most days. I've acknowledged my set backs, but I've refused to let them derail me. I've been kind to myself, and given Bertha more than one black eye. And I have lost 7.5 pounds and 12 inches in just TWO WEEKS. In short, I'm very, very proud of me.

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

My motivation has been slipping recently; we're not quite two weeks in, and I'm already starting to really struggle. This is farther than I've ever consciously made it before, but Bertha seems to have woken up to the fact that I'm trying to off her, and she's fighting back. Hard.

I posted a little about it yesterday; my weight was up by .7 lb when I stepped on the scale, and it sucked. I'd kind of expected it, because that seems to fit with my pattern, but it still stung. Despite the struggles I posted about, I *did* get up and do the Sizzling Salsa dvd.

My DH and I had dinner with his family, as is our Thursday ritual, and I did pretty well. I took half the amount of spaghetti I'd normally have as a single serving, built a much bigger "side salad" than usual, didn't go back for seconds, and staid within my ranges. There were places I could have done better; I had *two* pieces of Texas Toast garlic bread, and a piece of each of the two desserts. At the same time, both of those pieces were smaller than what I would normally have gone for, and I passed on eating the rest of Steven's turtle bar when he couldn't finish it. It was a victory.

But I woke up this morning, still fighting what I'm beginning to think may be a cold or sinus infection, and got on the scales only to find that I was up another .9 lb. Bertha loooved that. She attacked right away, and I'm ashamed to say that she won. I grabbed another 100 calorie pack and went back to bed for over an hour.

It's been a tough rest of the day; I got myself back up and popped in "The Firm" but only got through about 10 minutes of it before I just couldn't move another muscle. I know you're never supposed to just stop in the middle of a workout, but I barely made it to the bed before collapsing. I was absolutely certain, in that moment, that I'd been beaten for good. I knew I was going to let everyone, myself included, down AGAIN. For what had to have been the three hundred-millionth time in my relatively short life, I was going to prove that I couldn't finish anything. Woe was me.

Then, after another hour long pity party, I sat up, slapped that stupid grin off of Bertha's ever-lovin' face, and did my daily bible study. Things are better now.

I managed to get through the rest of The Firm by setting a timer for 15 minutes. I pushed through until the timer went off, then paused the dvd and marched in place 'till my heart rate came back down. Then I took a break until I felt sufficiently recovered, and finished the thing. We may be having my little brothers over tomorrow, so there's housework that needs to be done. I'm going to apply the same 15 minute principle to chunk it down. I'm only going to do the littlest bit; the rest of the time is mine to be as lazy as I want to, guilt free. If I'm getting sick, I'm going to be good to myself...and if I'm not, I'm going to be kind to myself anyway. I'm not going to let my hard won progress slip away from me. This is a lifestyle change; it's going to take time. I don't have to climb the whole mountain in a single leap. All I or anyone else has the right to expect from me is to keep moving forward, a single step at a time. I can do that. Anyone can do that, and the other times I tried and failed don't amount to anything. This is a different situation, and they don't apply. Try as she might, Bertha's not allowed to use them as arguments against me anymore.

Another thing that helped today was my trusty tape-measure. I was a little scared to pull it out, but I did anyway...and I've lost another inch from my waist. When Bertha starts telling me that the numbers on the scale prove I'm a failure, my good friend TM gives me solid, visible proof of my success. Like Flylady always says, It's about Progress, not Perfection. I've hit the point where the rubber meets the road - where I can either suck it up and do this thing, one baby step at a time, or I can hand the reigns back over to Bertha and let her drag me into an early grave. I've decided I'd rather lace up my shoes and take a walk, thank-you-very-much. Bertha is SO dead. Just wait and see!

Still Trudging Along

We had our first official weigh-in on Monday, and I was down 5.5 pounds...not bad, but not as good as the 7.5 I'd been down the day before. I was very proud of the 8.75 inches I'd lost, but the scale has been see-sawing back and forth since day one, and it's really starting to get to me.

There is an overall downward trend, and the sensible part of me knows that's what matters, but it still sucks to get on and see your hard work tipping the scale in the wrong direction. The obvious solution, of course, would be to not weigh every day...but Wii Fit fusses if you don't, and I like seeing those little foot prints on the calendar marking my dedication. I'm also afraid that if I don't keep myself accountable each day, I'll really blow it, and not be able to recover within the week.

Today has especially been rough, and it's only 10 a.m. I will admit it; I'm sitting in bed, pajamas still on, typing this. My grand total of activity this morning has been to get out of bed, talk to my dad on the phone for a half-hour, and then down a chips-ahoy 100 calorie pack for breakfast before retreating back to my little online sanctuary. I've been sneezing my head off since yesterday morning, so I especially look like crap, and all Bertha wants to do is grab the rest of those cookies and down them while I whine about everything that's wrong with my life.

I'm not going to, of course. I'm going to get my butt out of this bed and go do some form of exercise. I really, really, really want to get through The Firm Ultimate Fat Burning Workout (which I totally did on Tues, even though Bertha told me I couldn't) but I'm just not sure I have it in me. So I'll maybe pull out my "Dancing of the Inches, Sizzling Salsa" and do it, because it's so terrible that it makes me laugh. And I could use a laugh right now. Wish me luck! Bertha's being a real brat today, but I'm not going to let her win.

Monday

Well, I made it through the camping trip and I gained 1.4 lbs. Bummer....however, I do think some of the gain is from the sodium in the bacon I ate last night for supper. I really did attempt to eat right while camping, with the only exception being the pot luck supper on Saturday night. This weekend is going to present another challenge as we head to teacher's retreat on Thursday. Tradition says there will be bowls of candy sitting all over the place for us to munch on during our sessions. Since several of us are doing the 30 day challenge, I am going to put the message out for us to bring our own healthy alternatives. I am thinking drink mixes, fruit, and raw veggies. Maybe that will keep Bertha at bay while we are in classes. I don't want to work all week to lose 7 or 8 lbs, only to gain one back over the weekend!