My motivation has been slipping recently; we're not quite two weeks in, and I'm already starting to really struggle. This is farther than I've ever consciously made it before, but Bertha seems to have woken up to the fact that I'm trying to off her, and she's fighting back. Hard.
I posted a little about it yesterday; my weight was up by .7 lb when I stepped on the scale, and it sucked. I'd kind of expected it, because that seems to fit with my pattern, but it still stung. Despite the struggles I posted about, I *did* get up and do the Sizzling Salsa dvd.
My DH and I had dinner with his family, as is our Thursday ritual, and I did pretty well. I took half the amount of spaghetti I'd normally have as a single serving, built a much bigger "side salad" than usual, didn't go back for seconds, and staid within my ranges. There were places I could have done better; I had *two* pieces of Texas Toast garlic bread, and a piece of each of the two desserts. At the same time, both of those pieces were smaller than what I would normally have gone for, and I passed on eating the rest of Steven's turtle bar when he couldn't finish it. It was a victory.
But I woke up this morning, still fighting what I'm beginning to think may be a cold or sinus infection, and got on the scales only to find that I was up another .9 lb. Bertha loooved that. She attacked right away, and I'm ashamed to say that she won. I grabbed another 100 calorie pack and went back to bed for over an hour.
It's been a tough rest of the day; I got myself back up and popped in "The Firm" but only got through about 10 minutes of it before I just couldn't move another muscle. I know you're never supposed to just stop in the middle of a workout, but I barely made it to the bed before collapsing. I was absolutely certain, in that moment, that I'd been beaten for good. I knew I was going to let everyone, myself included, down AGAIN. For what had to have been the three hundred-millionth time in my relatively short life, I was going to prove that I couldn't finish anything. Woe was me.
Then, after another hour long pity party, I sat up, slapped that stupid grin off of Bertha's ever-lovin' face, and did my daily bible study. Things are better now.
I managed to get through the rest of The Firm by setting a timer for 15 minutes. I pushed through until the timer went off, then paused the dvd and marched in place 'till my heart rate came back down. Then I took a break until I felt sufficiently recovered, and finished the thing. We may be having my little brothers over tomorrow, so there's housework that needs to be done. I'm going to apply the same 15 minute principle to chunk it down. I'm only going to do the littlest bit; the rest of the time is mine to be as lazy as I want to, guilt free. If I'm getting sick, I'm going to be good to myself...and if I'm not, I'm going to be kind to myself anyway. I'm not going to let my hard won progress slip away from me. This is a lifestyle change; it's going to take time. I don't have to climb the whole mountain in a single leap. All I or anyone else has the right to expect from me is to keep moving forward, a single step at a time. I can do that. Anyone can do that, and the other times I tried and failed don't amount to anything. This is a different situation, and they don't apply. Try as she might, Bertha's not allowed to use them as arguments against me anymore.
Another thing that helped today was my trusty tape-measure. I was a little scared to pull it out, but I did anyway...and I've lost another inch from my waist. When Bertha starts telling me that the numbers on the scale prove I'm a failure, my good friend TM gives me solid, visible proof of my success. Like Flylady always says, It's about Progress, not Perfection. I've hit the point where the rubber meets the road - where I can either suck it up and do this thing, one baby step at a time, or I can hand the reigns back over to Bertha and let her drag me into an early grave. I've decided I'd rather lace up my shoes and take a walk, thank-you-very-much. Bertha is SO dead. Just wait and see!
