Getting MAD!

Dang it, this is hard!

Monday was our second weigh in. Remember that 7.5 pounds I'd told you about? The one that dropped to 5.5 pounds for last week's weigh in? It dropped right back off...then came back. Then dropped off again. So Monday morning arrived bright and early, and I was at a grand total of 7.5 pounds lost.

I know that's nothing to complain about...2 pounds a week is safe and healthy. And it's progress. What's even MORE progress is the 3.5 inches I lost, bringing me to a grand total of, what, 12~12.25 inches in two weeks? That's downright awesome!

That's what I keep telling myself, anyway. But, well, my "self" isn't doing a very good job of listening, to be honest. I didn't exercise yesterday because I spent the whole day away from home. That doesn't mean I didn't have the opportunity, mind you...it just means that Bertha reminded me of how self-conscious I am about exercising in front of other people, and used that as a reason to keep me on my butt for the better part of the day.

Really, though, that's nothing new. See, today, I was back to my old habits. I'm going to tell you a secret, too...those old habits? They involve sitting in bed all day, usually with a computer in my lap. Sometimes they also involve vast amounts of comfort food eaten in said bed, although not as often as you might think. Usually I completely forget to eat or drink anything until my DH gets home. Then I inhale a calorie bomb, realize I'm hungry, eat ANOTHER batch of junk at like, 10 pm, and spend half the remaining night lying awake, beating myself up over the utter waste of a perfectly good day.

I know that crosses the line of "too uncomfortably personal for the internet" but you know what? I DON'T CARE. I used to. Oh buddy did I ever use to...If I had to guess, the above statement would probably surprise all but a handful of the people who know me. I took a kind of twisted pride in my ability to hide how flippin' hard it is for me to just get out of bed in the morning. I poured every ounce of the energy I had into putting on a happy face at work and in Walmart. There were times when I'd spend the entire night in the darkest, most terrible places of my past, then head off to work with a bright smile and a "isn't it a beautiful morning?" to everyone I saw.

That was, of course, because I was really, really, really ashamed of it. Everyone else I know does it with no problem. I have a good life; I've been blessed in so many ways it's hard to keep count, and there are a lot of less fortunate people who suck it up and go on. So, the way I saw it, I should to. The fact that I really struggle with it, and that I don't always win, made me want to just sink back under the covers and hide from the world all that much more. It was a vicious, terrible cycle that was going no-where quick.

But that kind of reasoning is absolutely stupid, and I'm not going to accept it anymore. No one says, for instance, that a person with diabetes is "making excuses" because of the ways in which they have to alter their lifestyle in order to control and accommodate their illness. I've allowed the opinions of others and their comments about my "laziness" to shape my view of myself. I've long known that my distorted perspective of my own situation was wrong, but that "head knowledge" is only just now beginning to really sink in...and, to be honest, it's made me mad.

I'm mad that, for so long, I've permitted that kind of talk, from others and from myself. I'm mad that I've wasted so much time being embarrassed and scared of other people's opinions to take the steps I needed to take in order to fix things. I'm mad at...at IT. At all the things that have added together to create this massive knot of junk that I have to work through. It isn't fair, it isn't right, and I absolutely hate it.

If you've never taken a moment to acknowledge that for yourself, to take that think you keep bottled up and pushed back - that tender spot - and just say "It isn't fair, it wasn't right, and it hurt!" then let me cordially invite you to do just that. It isn't a pity party - pity is useless. It's being honest to yourself and to God, and it feels good. Seriously. Try it.

So anyway, I got mad today. Really, really mad. And then, something amazing happened. That anger burned away some of the embarrassment and the fear, and left sheer determination in its wake. It made me own up to something I think we all already knew; this extra weight is just the consequence of deeper symptoms. It's a physical indication of what's going on under the surface; a visible reminder that all is not well in Brittanyland. As the other junk goes, so will it...and I want it gone.

After fighting with myself all day, I'm exhausted. But I've also been thinking of all the "what now?" parts, and I've come to a few decisions. For one, I'm being as reckless and hasty in this as I am in everything else. I'm publishing the post unedited so that I'm not tempted to delete it, and I'm torching my escape route back into my normal routine in a very public way, so that going back is not an option any longer. I don't want anyone's pity...that's part of the reason I've only ever tested these waters with a few people before. I hate being pitied.

I'm getting back into my exercise routine first thing tomorrow. I'm going to do it come hell or high water, but I'm also going to acknowledge what a very big accomplishment that is. Things that often come easily to others are more difficult for me. That's not making excuses, it's taking a realistic view of my situation and celebrating my success. I can do this, but the only way I'm going to succeed is by taking baby steps and being kind to myself along the way.

So let's start: In the past two weeks, I've done more deliberate exercise than in the past year combined, I've managed, even on my worst days, to not undo my progress with bad eating, and I've gotten up and dressed most days. I've acknowledged my set backs, but I've refused to let them derail me. I've been kind to myself, and given Bertha more than one black eye. And I have lost 7.5 pounds and 12 inches in just TWO WEEKS. In short, I'm very, very proud of me.

Where the Rubber Meets the Road

My motivation has been slipping recently; we're not quite two weeks in, and I'm already starting to really struggle. This is farther than I've ever consciously made it before, but Bertha seems to have woken up to the fact that I'm trying to off her, and she's fighting back. Hard.

I posted a little about it yesterday; my weight was up by .7 lb when I stepped on the scale, and it sucked. I'd kind of expected it, because that seems to fit with my pattern, but it still stung. Despite the struggles I posted about, I *did* get up and do the Sizzling Salsa dvd.

My DH and I had dinner with his family, as is our Thursday ritual, and I did pretty well. I took half the amount of spaghetti I'd normally have as a single serving, built a much bigger "side salad" than usual, didn't go back for seconds, and staid within my ranges. There were places I could have done better; I had *two* pieces of Texas Toast garlic bread, and a piece of each of the two desserts. At the same time, both of those pieces were smaller than what I would normally have gone for, and I passed on eating the rest of Steven's turtle bar when he couldn't finish it. It was a victory.

But I woke up this morning, still fighting what I'm beginning to think may be a cold or sinus infection, and got on the scales only to find that I was up another .9 lb. Bertha loooved that. She attacked right away, and I'm ashamed to say that she won. I grabbed another 100 calorie pack and went back to bed for over an hour.

It's been a tough rest of the day; I got myself back up and popped in "The Firm" but only got through about 10 minutes of it before I just couldn't move another muscle. I know you're never supposed to just stop in the middle of a workout, but I barely made it to the bed before collapsing. I was absolutely certain, in that moment, that I'd been beaten for good. I knew I was going to let everyone, myself included, down AGAIN. For what had to have been the three hundred-millionth time in my relatively short life, I was going to prove that I couldn't finish anything. Woe was me.

Then, after another hour long pity party, I sat up, slapped that stupid grin off of Bertha's ever-lovin' face, and did my daily bible study. Things are better now.

I managed to get through the rest of The Firm by setting a timer for 15 minutes. I pushed through until the timer went off, then paused the dvd and marched in place 'till my heart rate came back down. Then I took a break until I felt sufficiently recovered, and finished the thing. We may be having my little brothers over tomorrow, so there's housework that needs to be done. I'm going to apply the same 15 minute principle to chunk it down. I'm only going to do the littlest bit; the rest of the time is mine to be as lazy as I want to, guilt free. If I'm getting sick, I'm going to be good to myself...and if I'm not, I'm going to be kind to myself anyway. I'm not going to let my hard won progress slip away from me. This is a lifestyle change; it's going to take time. I don't have to climb the whole mountain in a single leap. All I or anyone else has the right to expect from me is to keep moving forward, a single step at a time. I can do that. Anyone can do that, and the other times I tried and failed don't amount to anything. This is a different situation, and they don't apply. Try as she might, Bertha's not allowed to use them as arguments against me anymore.

Another thing that helped today was my trusty tape-measure. I was a little scared to pull it out, but I did anyway...and I've lost another inch from my waist. When Bertha starts telling me that the numbers on the scale prove I'm a failure, my good friend TM gives me solid, visible proof of my success. Like Flylady always says, It's about Progress, not Perfection. I've hit the point where the rubber meets the road - where I can either suck it up and do this thing, one baby step at a time, or I can hand the reigns back over to Bertha and let her drag me into an early grave. I've decided I'd rather lace up my shoes and take a walk, thank-you-very-much. Bertha is SO dead. Just wait and see!

Still Trudging Along

We had our first official weigh-in on Monday, and I was down 5.5 pounds...not bad, but not as good as the 7.5 I'd been down the day before. I was very proud of the 8.75 inches I'd lost, but the scale has been see-sawing back and forth since day one, and it's really starting to get to me.

There is an overall downward trend, and the sensible part of me knows that's what matters, but it still sucks to get on and see your hard work tipping the scale in the wrong direction. The obvious solution, of course, would be to not weigh every day...but Wii Fit fusses if you don't, and I like seeing those little foot prints on the calendar marking my dedication. I'm also afraid that if I don't keep myself accountable each day, I'll really blow it, and not be able to recover within the week.

Today has especially been rough, and it's only 10 a.m. I will admit it; I'm sitting in bed, pajamas still on, typing this. My grand total of activity this morning has been to get out of bed, talk to my dad on the phone for a half-hour, and then down a chips-ahoy 100 calorie pack for breakfast before retreating back to my little online sanctuary. I've been sneezing my head off since yesterday morning, so I especially look like crap, and all Bertha wants to do is grab the rest of those cookies and down them while I whine about everything that's wrong with my life.

I'm not going to, of course. I'm going to get my butt out of this bed and go do some form of exercise. I really, really, really want to get through The Firm Ultimate Fat Burning Workout (which I totally did on Tues, even though Bertha told me I couldn't) but I'm just not sure I have it in me. So I'll maybe pull out my "Dancing of the Inches, Sizzling Salsa" and do it, because it's so terrible that it makes me laugh. And I could use a laugh right now. Wish me luck! Bertha's being a real brat today, but I'm not going to let her win.

Monday

Well, I made it through the camping trip and I gained 1.4 lbs. Bummer....however, I do think some of the gain is from the sodium in the bacon I ate last night for supper. I really did attempt to eat right while camping, with the only exception being the pot luck supper on Saturday night. This weekend is going to present another challenge as we head to teacher's retreat on Thursday. Tradition says there will be bowls of candy sitting all over the place for us to munch on during our sessions. Since several of us are doing the 30 day challenge, I am going to put the message out for us to bring our own healthy alternatives. I am thinking drink mixes, fruit, and raw veggies. Maybe that will keep Bertha at bay while we are in classes. I don't want to work all week to lose 7 or 8 lbs, only to gain one back over the weekend!

Wrapping up the Week

We're just going to pretend that the Brittany who fussed at her mom for not posting on Wed. and the Brittany who didn't post on Wed. OR Thur. are two different people...okay? I know it...I'm a bad, bad daughter. But my mommy loves me anyway :D.

This week has been...amazing. Really hard, but amazing. It's helped that, with a summer off from work, I'm in a very self-contained environment. I've had a house all to myself and nothing incredibly pressing to do with it, so I've been able to really focus on beating the snot out of Bertha and her bad attitudes. The procrastination that comes naturally to me has been easier to overcome because (a) I don't have any easy excuses and (b) I have the time to fight myself up out of bed or off the couch and still do my workout. It feels almost like God set this time aside for me to have a safe, comfortable environment to learn in. Without other distractions, it's just Him, me, and the workout dvds (well, and sometimes Bertha - but she's getting easier to ignore).

I've got about two weeks of summer vacation left before the school year starts and I'm back at work. I'm hoping and praying that, during the time in-between, these new routines will become so ingrained into my life that I don't have a problem keeping with them once the busyness of two jobs kicks in.

I don't know how to describe what is different this time around...I've both been here before, and never seen this place in my life. I've dropped the amount of weight I've shed this week in the past, plus some. I'm only 5 days in, and while I've never worked out this consistently or intensely, I have "worked out." But this place I've found is totally new. I have absolutely no doubt that this is the last "diet" that I will ever be on...the last time I'll ever have to start over from square one. There's been some fundamental shift in my brain, and I know that, with time and God's grace, my lifestyle is going to be different from here on out.

I'm not saying that I'll suddenly become "the fitness queen" or that I'll never eat ice cream for dinner. It's just that somehow, someway, Bertha's grip on me has suddenly slipped a little. I'm still bombarded with "stinkin' thinkin'" as Flylady puts it, but it's getting easier to put those aside for better ones. It's like God finally wiggled His way into some hidden part of my sub-conscious that I didn't even know was there, and cracked it wide open. And as much as it hurts, boy does it feel good.

Which is exactly how the physical exercise feels, come to think of it. This statement won't sound radical to those who don't know me personally, but if you do, hold on to your hats: I like exercise.

There, I said it! Is anybody else shocked? I know I am. I'm not going to lie...I'm still having to fight Bertha to get my big butt off the couch and do it. But while I'm working - while my muscles are screaming "sit back down, sit back down, sit back down!" and while my arms are doing The Clap so loudly I'm surprised I can hear the instructor - that's when it kicks in that this is right. And afterwords, while I'm trying to put my lungs and stomach back in their proper places, that "I Did It!" moment hits and suddenly everything is right with the world. It's those moments that let me know that I could get used to this. They're addictive, and I find myself looking forward to them even as Bertha whines about how sore I am right now. In fact, they're so addictive that just talking about them has got me motivated to get off my rear and do something. So I'll stop talking your ear off and hit the play button. Our first official check in is just a weekend away, and I want to be ready when it gets here!

This entry is being included in the Fat to Fit Blog Hop. Check out these other blogs to find more people trekking along on their weight-loss journeys!

Day 2 1/2
OK, so I didn't blog yesterday and Brittany fussed at me. So...Day two went well, and it showed on the scales this morning. I have dropped another 2 lbs. Now for the challenge. I am going to pull out of my driveway in a few minutes with 3 boys and we are going camping til Sunday. It is going to be hard to stick to a lower calorie diet while camping. Saturday night is going to be especially hard, as that is our potluck dinner. I do know the exercise will come easy. Setting up camp today will burn quite a few calories, as will the hiking, canoeing and other stuff I plan to do this weekend. I will check in with everyone on Sunday afternoon!

Dragging Through Day Two

Ugh...I had this little mental list of all the things I wanted to tell ya'll about day two...like how I got a new workout dvd, and how I managed a jump rope routine that I thought would kill me...and there was some other stuff, too, I swear! But it's 10:30, and I am Capital T Tired. So instead, I'll just say that I managed just over an hour of exercise, stayed within all of my ranges (except for Carbs. I ate 10 carbs too many. whoops) and told Bertha to shove a sock in it on more than one occasion. It was a good day. A long, exhausting day, but a good one nonetheless. And now, to bed!

Day One

Well, I have just about made it through Day 1 and it has been successful, I believe. I didn't get a workout at all in, although I did two "life" workouts. First I cleaned our swimming pool, which has turned green due to all the rain that got in when I forgot to put the cover on. I couldn't find anywhere what calories I burned doing that, but it had to be some! lol
My second workout came at the school, where I moved some furniture and cleaned out a nasty closet. Again, that should have burned a few calories!
As far as food goes, I was under 1000 calories, and am full at bedtime. I know I should not go that low, but I ate balanced meals all day and due to the lack of a formal workout, I felt it was ok for today. I also woke up late and just ate a morning snack since it was so close to lunch time. That accounts for the extra 250 - 300 calories I will consume on a regular day!
So far so good!

Angela 1
Bertha 0

Day 1 - Let the Battle Begin!

Today was the official start of the 30 in 30 challenge, and I had myself all psyched up and ready to go last night. My plan had been to get up at 6:30, jump straight in the shower, and then knock off my to-do list by noon. Unfortunately, Bertha had other ideas.

2 A.M. found me lying in bed, listening to the thunder and the rain and wondering why, after feeling lethargic all day, I suddenly couldn't sleep. I finally dozed off at around 3, which meant there was no dragging my fat butt out of bed until 9.

That, in and of itself, was a small victory; I'd normally call the day a loss and lounge around in my PJs until my husband got home. But gosh darnit, this was the first day of the challenge, and I was going to show Bertha who was boss. So I crawled out of bed, grabbed my workout clothes, and headed into the bathroom.

Now, we live out in the country, and we have a *little* spider problem. After several close encounters in the shower, we've learned to do a quick once over before stripping down and stepping in, just to make sure we'll be the only bathers. I'd gotten kind of lazy with that, actually; I haven't seen a spider bigger than a pea in weeks, so I don't check as thoroughly as I used to. In fact, I was so used to *not* seeing anything that the flash of something dark on the shower curtain liner didn't really register until I'd already leaned in to turn on the water. When it clicked that there might have been something there, I shook the shower curtain just to be sure.

I really, really wish I had the picture to show you this monster; I took one, of course, but the sd card wasn't in the camera and I didn't realize it until the thing was dead and shriveled.

You'll have to use your imaginations, instead. You know those pretty, wide containers that Bath and Body Works products come in? The ones with the oval bottoms? The spider that fell off of my shower curtain and into the tub was the same size as that oval bottom. No lie. To my undying credit, I did *not* scream like a little girl...though it was a very close thing.

Instead, I grabbed the closest chemical on hand (scrubbing bubbles) and tried to drown the sucker with it. When it was apparent that wasn't working (by its scurrying TOWARD ME) I ran into the other room and grabbed the Raid. I thought it was dead after that, and was hunting something to scoop it out with when it moved again. We repeated the cycle a couple of times - me "killing" it with spray and looking for something to get it out with; it waiting until it thought I was gone to try and run away - until it finally curled up on itself and moved no more. Shriveled up, it was the size of a quarter.

I, being the wimp I am, decided against a shower this morning. Bertha tried to tell me that, since I wasn't taking a shower, I couldn't put on clean exercise clothes, and without those clothes, I couldn't exercise. Her solution was to spend the entire day in bed playing Frontierville.

But I'm trying to kill Bertha, so taking her advice is no longer high on my list of priorities. Instead, I told her that I was going to be alone all day, with only me to smell myself, so what did it matter? I got dressed, ignored her protests, and did my 10 minute kickboxing session.

Things went a lot more smoothly after that. I did end up inflicting my stink on a poor Jehovah's Witness who came to the door, but she was nice about it. I ate three healthy meals and indulged in a piece of homemade cinnamon bread for dessert without going over any of my ranges, and I did all three exercise sessions. Take that, Bertha!

Day 1 Stats:

Nutrition

Calories - 1403
Carbs - 210
Fat - 24
Protein - 68

Exercise

Minutes - 62
Calories burned - 523

Setting Up a Plan

I've been spending the better part of the weekend brainstorming how I want to go about this whole "weight loss" thing; Emily's "30 pounds in 30 days" challenge kicks off bright and early tomorrow morning, and I want to be prepared.

I guess I ought to throw a disclaimer out there that I'm not doing this in the hopes of quick, magical results. 30 pounds is a lot, but it's only half of what I, to be healthy, have to lose...and a much smaller percentage of what I could stand to see go. Aside from that, I'm starting with an advantage in that (a) I've not been doing *anything* previously, and (b) I'm 23. So, while I don't know that I'll hit the 30 pounds, I think I can get close without doing anything extreme to reach it.

I don't want to do some crazy liquid diet or starvation plan to drop the weight. While it would be lovely to not have to work for this, my goal is to be healthy and comfortable in my own skin. I'm smart enough to know that doesn't come overnight, and it doesn't come from some fad diet that hands back all the weight plus some when you start to eat regularly again.

So, while I'm kicking things off with the 30 day challenge, I'm in this for the long term. Here are the guidelines I've set up to help myself get there:

I'll be making conscious decisions about what I put into my body, aiming for a balance of nutrients. Nothing is, strictly speaking, "off limits," but I'll be carefully monitoring my fat, calories, carbs, and protein to makes sure that I'm within healthy ranges. Based on the recommendations of Sparkpeople, I'll be aiming for the following ranges:

Calories: 1320-1670
Carbs: 177-255
Fat: 35-61
Protein: 32-109

I'll track everything I eat, plus all of my exercise, with Sparkpeople's handy trackers. SP will adjust my ranges as my weight changes, so I'll always have a pretty steady guide and a quick way to see my nutritional progress.

As for exercise, I'm going to start with just 1 hour at least 5 days a week. I absolutely loathe exercise, so I'll be breaking it down into three sessions:

1 10 minute session of something awful but kick butt, like Coach Nichole's 10 minute kick-boxing routine. I'll start my day with this, both to give me a jump start and to get it out of the way so I don't waste time dreading it.

1 20 minute Wii Fit Plus session, doing whatever the heck I feel like. This doesn't burn a whole lot, but it does offer a nice mix of low impact aerobics, strength training, and yoga. And it's fun.

1 30 minute belly dancing session. Yes, you read that right - belly dancing. Bertha likes to tell me it's something fat girls like me can't do...but no one sees me but me, and I absolutely love it.

And really, isn't that what this is all about? I've specifically saved the belly dancing session for last in my day because I want it to be a special treat - a fun way to unwind and feel good about myself. Bertha's spewed her rot for so long that I'd come to believe everything she said. Now I'm retraining myself to think differently; to see exercise as reward, not punishment, and to do fun, empowering things whether I "look the part" or not. Why should skinny girls have all the fun? I will reach a healthy weight sooner rather than later, but there's absolutely no reason not to embrace who and what I am in the meantime.

Anyway, that's where I'm at right now. Battle commences at 6:30 A.M. tomorrow morning. Bring it, Bertha!

The Journey Begins

Well, tomorrow we will begin a 30 day journey to lose 30 pounds. This sounds impossible, but with encouragement from our friends, and knowledge that there are 18 others doing this with us, I am going to give it everything I have to give. My first obstacle is coming up this weekend. I am taking the boys camping Thursday and we have a big potluck on Saturday. This is CampTN's "Christmas in July" camp out and our potluck is going to be Christmas dinner, complete with turkey and dressing, mashed potatoes and all the trimmings. My biggest enemy when it comes to losing weight is lack of self control, and boy do I lose any self control I might possess when it comes to buffets. This potluck is going to be one big buffet! I am going to be needing the prayers of those of you following this blog especially on Saturday night. I have borrowed a scripture off of Emily Oldham's blog and I will be relying on this one heavily during the next 30 days. Proverbs 16:3 says "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." I know that I cannot succeed alone in this 30 day challenge, but if I earnestly give this project to God, I will be victorious. The trick is going to be "committing to the Lord" and not trying to rely on myself, or letting "Bertha" tell me how hungry I am or how miserably I am failing.
I will post that I have 87 lbs to lose, but I am not comfortable enough with myself to post my starting weight. You will have to figure that out when I have achieved my goals and post my ending weight! lol
Thanks for following along with us! I will keep you posted!

We'd like to Introduce You to Someone...

Hi there. We're Angela and Brittany - a mother and daughter who, between us, need to lose 140 pounds. It'll be a great journey that we hope you'll join us on, but first, we need to introduce you to someone "special." Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Bertha:


Bertha is 140 pounds of pure meanness. One of her favorite past times is telling us what failures we are because of our weight, and she's especially good at reminding us of all the things we can't do because we're too fat or too out of shape. She criticizes our bodies, our eating habits, and our lifestyles. She tells us we'll never do better, never be good enough, and NEVER lose the weight that's holding us back. In short, Bertha is a total witch, and she NEEDS TO DIE.

So we've come up with a plan to bludgeon her to death one calorie at a time. It'll be a long, painful process on both sides, but we're satisfied that, in the end, Bertha's days are numbered.